Much Needed Humor: An Obituary for a Dead Denomination
http://www.exceptionalmarriages.com/weblog/BlogDetail.asp?ID=10934
written by Gregory Popcak
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Episcopal Church USA
Born: 1789
Died: November, 2, 2003.
(AP wire)
On a lonely New Hampshire country road, the Episcopal Church USA, best known for pancake races and good breeding, died today in a tragic head-on collision with Christian Morality (known to his friends as "CM"). While the ECUSA was killed on impact, CM was life-flighted to Italy and is listed in critical condition at The Vatican General Hospital's "Religious Trauma Unit."
Sgt. Chuck Appleton of the New Hampshire Highway Patrol reported that witnesses saw Presiding Bishop Frank Griswold and passenger, Bishop Gene Robinson driving recklessly and at extremely high speeds with the windows of their Jaguar down while blasting the classic Depeche Mode song, "Your Own Personal Jesus."
Preliminary toxicology reports indicate that both Bishop Griswold and Bishop Robinson were highly intoxicated by their own sense of self-importance. A source close to the coroner's office stated, "I haven't seen S.I.I. ("Self-Importance Index") numbers this high since the Clinton Administration. I mean, this was totally off the charts."
According to the police report, the head-on collision with Christian Morality occurred while Presiding Bishop Griswold was driving with his knees and using both hands to, "give the finger" to any pedestrian who did not cheer and smile broadly as they drove past. Witnesses report that, ironically, the Depeche Mode song had just finished and Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive" came on the stereo, when suddenly, the bishops crashed at full speed into CM's vehicle, and the bishops' car burst into flames. Thus was the ignominious end of the high-speed reign of terror which , only moments before, nearly claimed the lives of Mr. and Mrs. Morris Dewright and their daughter, Chastity, as they crossed the street at the intersection of Church Road and Modern Way.
"Cain't say as I evah seen nothin' like it a'fore." stated New Hampshire resident and accident witness, Walter Taciturn. When asked by this reporter if he had any further comment, Mr. Taciturn--apparently choked up--simply shook his head.
Meanwhile, in the UK, Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams, marked today's tragic events by giving up his usual second glass of sherry at the club. Said a quietly moved Archbishop Williams, "An occasion such as this is much too serious for sherry." He added, "Indeed, for an occasion such as this, I think a tawny port would be much more appropriate."
Wilton Dithersmore, Press Secretary for Lambeth Palace, issued an official statement today, announcing that a poetry reading--or maybe even an award ceremony for Bishop Desmond Tutu, "or some other popular minority chap"--would be held later in the day, "in order to attempt to distract the public, er, that is, 'facilitate the public grieving process by celebrating the indwelling god-hood of every human person as evidenced by our achievements in art and literature.'"
Mr. Dithersmore stated that the poetry reading/award ceremony would conclude with the singing of traditional hymns and a Robert Mapplethorpe retrospective.
Back in the States, the ECUSA is survived by its estranged wife, The American Anglican Council.
Family asks that in lieu of flowers, donations be made to the Rome and Istanbul branches of the Travelers Aid Society.
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Well at least ECUSA has been dying now for 35 years, so everybody has mourned already, said their piece, and are ready to move on...but remember, the money ECUSA has will never die!
http://www.exceptionalmarriages.com/weblog/BlogDetail.asp?ID=10934
written by Gregory Popcak
----
Episcopal Church USA
Born: 1789
Died: November, 2, 2003.
(AP wire)
On a lonely New Hampshire country road, the Episcopal Church USA, best known for pancake races and good breeding, died today in a tragic head-on collision with Christian Morality (known to his friends as "CM"). While the ECUSA was killed on impact, CM was life-flighted to Italy and is listed in critical condition at The Vatican General Hospital's "Religious Trauma Unit."
Sgt. Chuck Appleton of the New Hampshire Highway Patrol reported that witnesses saw Presiding Bishop Frank Griswold and passenger, Bishop Gene Robinson driving recklessly and at extremely high speeds with the windows of their Jaguar down while blasting the classic Depeche Mode song, "Your Own Personal Jesus."
Preliminary toxicology reports indicate that both Bishop Griswold and Bishop Robinson were highly intoxicated by their own sense of self-importance. A source close to the coroner's office stated, "I haven't seen S.I.I. ("Self-Importance Index") numbers this high since the Clinton Administration. I mean, this was totally off the charts."
According to the police report, the head-on collision with Christian Morality occurred while Presiding Bishop Griswold was driving with his knees and using both hands to, "give the finger" to any pedestrian who did not cheer and smile broadly as they drove past. Witnesses report that, ironically, the Depeche Mode song had just finished and Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive" came on the stereo, when suddenly, the bishops crashed at full speed into CM's vehicle, and the bishops' car burst into flames. Thus was the ignominious end of the high-speed reign of terror which , only moments before, nearly claimed the lives of Mr. and Mrs. Morris Dewright and their daughter, Chastity, as they crossed the street at the intersection of Church Road and Modern Way.
"Cain't say as I evah seen nothin' like it a'fore." stated New Hampshire resident and accident witness, Walter Taciturn. When asked by this reporter if he had any further comment, Mr. Taciturn--apparently choked up--simply shook his head.
Meanwhile, in the UK, Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams, marked today's tragic events by giving up his usual second glass of sherry at the club. Said a quietly moved Archbishop Williams, "An occasion such as this is much too serious for sherry." He added, "Indeed, for an occasion such as this, I think a tawny port would be much more appropriate."
Wilton Dithersmore, Press Secretary for Lambeth Palace, issued an official statement today, announcing that a poetry reading--or maybe even an award ceremony for Bishop Desmond Tutu, "or some other popular minority chap"--would be held later in the day, "in order to attempt to distract the public, er, that is, 'facilitate the public grieving process by celebrating the indwelling god-hood of every human person as evidenced by our achievements in art and literature.'"
Mr. Dithersmore stated that the poetry reading/award ceremony would conclude with the singing of traditional hymns and a Robert Mapplethorpe retrospective.
Back in the States, the ECUSA is survived by its estranged wife, The American Anglican Council.
Family asks that in lieu of flowers, donations be made to the Rome and Istanbul branches of the Travelers Aid Society.
---
Well at least ECUSA has been dying now for 35 years, so everybody has mourned already, said their piece, and are ready to move on...but remember, the money ECUSA has will never die!
